My walk in the rain.

       Today was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. As a result of this horrible day I approached almost everything else I did with a negative attitude. I did not want to set out on my walk while the sun was shining, the birds were chirping , etc. I was feeling insecure and did not want to be seen by anybody I knew, so I waited around for the darkness. The darkness rolled in with the rain clouds, I found this to be almost mockingly perfect and set out on my walk. I started off in the sunshine that was left and decided to head into the clouds, along the way I picked up an umbrella and some batteries for my camera at a convenience store close to my house. I realized I didn't have anything to leave a trace of myself with so I also picked up a bag of cat treats. I was not feeling proud enough to leave anything noticeable or clever behind, and I knew the cat treats would be eaten by animals or washed away by the rain. The clouds lead me to a few back roads I had never walked through before. I saw plenty of strangers I could have talked to but I could not find any words to get their attention. I managed to take a couple of pictures with my camera before it started turning off every time I pressed the capture button. 

       When the rain started I hastily opened my shit convenience store umbrella and the handle completely disconnected leaving me with an umbrella i had to hold at my upper shoulder in order to keep above my head. I am a large person, this umbrella is ridiculously tiny, I also have a hard time avoiding jutting tree branches and the umbrella meant I got caught up in every tree I passed under. Two thin bodied Caucasian men, one with a green dickies shirt and another with a plaid shirt that was opened to reveal his chest, were sitting on their front porch having a beer. As I was approaching them the dickies shirted man pointed and laughed at me. The one man asked why my umbrella was so short and I showed him how I had broken it earlier.  

       When I ran out of cat treats I started picking things up off the ground that amused me, and when I was bored I would leave them where I picked up my next object of affection. This ranged from objects such as a ribbon to a bouncy ball I would imagine some child had lost control of and left behind.  

   Overall, perhaps the most significant thought that occurred through my mind on this walk was the human condition and thirst for change that is equally destructive as it is necessary. I felt bad for disposing of each object I'd picked up and exchanged for another, but had I kept holding onto the blue ribbon I had picked up in the first place I would grow miserable of its presence around my finger. Perhaps somebody else would pick up the bouncy ball I had left in someones garden, more than likely it would end up in the hands of a child rather than an adult. Different things are right for different people but different things are not right for every person. I approached the walk with a negative attitude and didn't necessarily experience anything profound because of the limitations I felt like putting on myself. As for the two men who laughed at me on the street, at least they could find some sort of amusement out in my situation.

      I set out on this walk pissed off telling myself that no matter what ultimately the walk was mine, but it turns out it was also for all the people who saw me on it, one way or another, negative or positive. I feel as though this relates to any type of art-venture I set out on. Nothing is ever just for you, but if you put something out there it makes itself available for someone else.